Thought-Feeling

 Roll with me here. This is completely unedited. Basically: mind to paper with nothing in between. 

Yesterday, I responded to a text. 

(I am laughing outloud thinking about the topic of a workshop; something like, "spiritual growth through texting.") 

The response was sarcastic in my book. Not "typical" for me. 

Historically, I can really obsess about these kinds of things. Am I alone in this? 

But somewhere in between sending the text and wiping down the kitchen counters, I had this thought/feeling (you know, one of those things that you can't fit so neatly into either category?) It was something like this, yes, you said that. That was then. And here we are now. We are constantly changing.

This thought/feeling (which certainly didn't require so many words as above) brought with it the refreshing air of self-forgiveness. 

These moments when I am just an ounce more out of my head and in my body, even if that means wiping down the counters, often leads to a greater sense of understanding for me. in other words, I feel as though I extend beyond a rational or intellectual understanding and this feels, well, more whole.

Now, I am not saying that I love the sarcastic comment that I wrote. But somehow it is less personal and more fluid. Somehow I love myself just an inch more by seeing that I can be lots of things; that I too am constantly changing and growing and that perfection is by no means my middle name. 

The Day After

 Last night I cleaned like a machine. Nothing could stand in my path; not toys or people or even thoughts. It was reminiscent of the hours just before I went into labor with Blair; I don't think my living space has been that clean since. 

It is not lost on me that yesterday was Inauguration Day. You see, this interesting thing has been happening to me lately. It happened the day after Biden was elected. It happened the day after I had my first dose of the Covid-19 vaccine. Perhaps my cleaning last night was a coping mechanism, my mind noticing the pattern and saying, "hmmm, let's do something about this." 

I was so confused when I felt challenged and sad the day after Biden was elected. "What is going on, love? Why so blue? Biden just became President!" Of course, these "second arrows" as I have intimately come to know them did not help matters. When I was evenutally able to walk out into the sunlight of my experience, I realized: well, you/we have all been through a lot; you/we have been holding it together and now the promise of something different is almost too much to take in; this transition itself a goal post that also sheds light on our collective trauma. 

So when I went to get my vaccine last weekend I was curious if the same sort of thing would happen. Sure enough, I felt "graspy" the next day as much as I tried to shift my mind to gratitude. Coupled with this graspiness was a sort of empty quality; not necessarily good or bad . . . but perhaps a little scary. I noticed the second arrows more quickly this time, "I know what you are going to say, mind, why aren't you just grateful for the vaccine?" 

Because I noticed these glimmers before they became full blown thoughts, I was able to let them pass by with greater ease. I was able to be with my ironic down-ness and perhaps I was even able to relax into for a moment while I looked out my kitchen window. With hand-to-heart, I knew this: I was getting vaccinated not just for myself but for the health of the whole world from a disease that has caused suffering on every touchpoint on the spectrum of our current human existence. 

So last night I literally cleared space for myself after the inauguration of Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. Through cleaning I also got into my body and out of my mind, although when the tears presented themselves I did indeed allow them to roll.