Turning Outward

Over the past decade or so I have learned many different techniques for turning inward.  Yoga.  Meditation.  Breath work.  Non-focused awareness.  A number of years ago, by going inward frequently, I even found this inner core of my being...this constant, unchanging orb of truth that exists smack in between my belly button and the base of my spine.  My gratitude is immense for my discovery of this source of constant love and well-being and remembering its presence during times of stress can be a life saver.

Which brings me to yesterday.  And the day before.  You see, I have been living with some regret in my heart.  I will not go into the details of why because, really, it doesn't matter.  But this regret is something else.  It completely goes against a common mantra that I adopted after the birth of Lilian, "do not, under any circumstances, turn against yourself."  Regret by its very nature is turning against yourself, especially if it gets out of hand and haunts you in the rare quiet spaces during the day or, worse, the dark hours of the night.  Regret can grow so thick that it can mask any core light that you have discovered and, worse, make you doubt that it was even there in the first place. 

And this is why yesterday, in a desperate attempt to rid myself of this regret, that I turned outward.  I prayed outwardly to the Lord.  Yes, the Lord of my childhood.  I said something simple like, "Lord God, please help me."  I started to feel a little stronger; like I could replace the thoughts of regret with something positive; anything positive.

And then I reached out to a friend.  A simple reaching.  An asking for support over the miles.  And she responded.  And, again, I felt stronger.

As I was rocking my baby to sleep, I grabbed my mala beads; the ones that I bought for myself just before Lilian was born.  I wrapped them around my wrist.  Bam, the strength continued to build slowly replacing the regret with action driven by mounting strength.

Of course, I needed to turn inward in order to know that I  needed to turn outward.  But these outward movements - to the Lord outside of myself, a friend, mala beads-helped clear a space for me where I could, once again, see my core light of strength and stability.