This weekend I . . .

*  Danced with our 2 month old instead of vacuuming.  She giggled for the first time.  In my arms.

*  Sat with our 2 year old while she ate her early dinner instead of unloading the dishwasher.  We looked at each other in the eyes and reflected on the day, "good day, mommy."

*  Stopped pestering our 4 year old to come inside for a bath when I noticed that she was in a magical world that I could only observe from afar.  I thought to myself, this is her life; her magic; let her have it.

I, of course, did a lot of other things too.  I will spare you the list.  But these three bullet points above were the most important things; the things that heal me and make it all worth it.  And I am reminded once again by my dear buddhas that I must stop and be with them (or notice where they are) otherwise I will sink in a sea of laundry and dishes and miss all the magic myself.

Cosmic Joke

Every now and then, as I am putting Lilian down for a nap, we get the giggles.  There is no rhyme or reason to this but it typically spawns from her.  Something strikes her as funny . . .the way I am singing?  the zipper on my fleece?  or, more typically, she is laughing at herself.  This specific laughter is irresistible and I cannot help but join (which is a little uncharacteristic of me as I tend to have razor sharp focus at naptime.)

But not with this laughter; it is just too much joy to the square inch.  The last time it happened and I really listened it felt as though this little 23 pound bundle understood it all; it was like she got the great cosmic joke.

  

Pathways of Positivity

The middle of the night can be oh so many things.  The sweetness of picking up a babe.  The tired eyes and shock of crying.  And, at times, it can be vicious.

Last night was one of those nights for me.  My mind was triggered by something I read and bam, I was down for the count.  Reflecting back, I can't believe the negative spiral that my mind journeyed on . . . one negative thought was an open doorway to the next and soon I was swimming in a sea of past regrets, mistakes and general ill will towards none other than myself.  I could "see" this happening and at one point was saying to myself, "do we really need to go into this?  I don't feel like thinking about this right now!" But the ego mind is unrelenting and the spiral continued down, down, down . . .

Until just this smidgen of awareness allowed me to arrest myself and employ some of the most precious tools that I have been collecting over the years.  I was able to grab hold of myself as a friend would and say, "this is unacceptable; this is no way to treat a friend."  And I took out my mantra tool and began.  I searched for a mantra that was suitable for this moment and even this act brought relief.  And then the mantra came: "I am love."  I said it over and over and over and began to create a new pathway for my thoughts: a pathway of positivity and loving-kindness.

My soul began to heal from the shame spiral that I had spun out on and I drifted back into sweet sleep.  This morning I was grateful for one thing: that I have befriended myself and my commitment to fostering this friendship is renewed yet again.