The Day After

 Last night I cleaned like a machine. Nothing could stand in my path; not toys or people or even thoughts. It was reminiscent of the hours just before I went into labor with Blair; I don't think my living space has been that clean since. 

It is not lost on me that yesterday was Inauguration Day. You see, this interesting thing has been happening to me lately. It happened the day after Biden was elected. It happened the day after I had my first dose of the Covid-19 vaccine. Perhaps my cleaning last night was a coping mechanism, my mind noticing the pattern and saying, "hmmm, let's do something about this." 

I was so confused when I felt challenged and sad the day after Biden was elected. "What is going on, love? Why so blue? Biden just became President!" Of course, these "second arrows" as I have intimately come to know them did not help matters. When I was evenutally able to walk out into the sunlight of my experience, I realized: well, you/we have all been through a lot; you/we have been holding it together and now the promise of something different is almost too much to take in; this transition itself a goal post that also sheds light on our collective trauma. 

So when I went to get my vaccine last weekend I was curious if the same sort of thing would happen. Sure enough, I felt "graspy" the next day as much as I tried to shift my mind to gratitude. Coupled with this graspiness was a sort of empty quality; not necessarily good or bad . . . but perhaps a little scary. I noticed the second arrows more quickly this time, "I know what you are going to say, mind, why aren't you just grateful for the vaccine?" 

Because I noticed these glimmers before they became full blown thoughts, I was able to let them pass by with greater ease. I was able to be with my ironic down-ness and perhaps I was even able to relax into for a moment while I looked out my kitchen window. With hand-to-heart, I knew this: I was getting vaccinated not just for myself but for the health of the whole world from a disease that has caused suffering on every touchpoint on the spectrum of our current human existence. 

So last night I literally cleared space for myself after the inauguration of Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. Through cleaning I also got into my body and out of my mind, although when the tears presented themselves I did indeed allow them to roll.