Day 21

So yesterday was Day 21 (see "I am Happy To Be Alive" post from September 3rd.)  I did not remember this in the morning when I was writing my morning pages at 6am but this is how I began, "I like this day.  I like everything about this day.  The Tuesday.  The September.  The 24.  The 2013.  This is going to be a good day."  (mind you, this is not a typical way that I begin my morning pages.) 

And then, after 45 minutes of writing and a cup of coffee, I went home and my positive spirit expressed in my first words turned to fire.  My energy was so strong (or, as my sweet Matt said, "different") and somehow I immediately got into an odd power struggle with my little three year old, poor dear.  It was about routines and discipline and, although I had an awareness of my crazy energy juxtaposed with my sleepy family, I could not stop.  I will not bore you with the details, but I will tell you this: it was a sad, out-of-control moment.  For my daughter.  For me.  For my husband.  And it came from me.  Yes, there are expectations about routine, yada-yada, but the sad moment - it came from me.  I know this.  I own this.  

You may ask - what in the heck does this have to do with Day 21?  Well, here is what happened next . . .

I scooped my baby (the only one unfazed by this moment) up out of Matt's arms.  I placed her on my hip and marched myself right into my bedroom for my own time out (I have to say, it is nice to have someone with you in time out.)  I gently closed the door and I sat down.  I placed the babe square on my lap.  And I took a breath.  We nestled into our familiar position and the smoke from the fire dissipated.  And I will try right now to express in words the feeling that washed over me, "well, that was a big mess.  And I am happy to be here.  In this sun drenched room.  In this mess.  I am happy to be here."  Oh, breakthrough!  Oh, immediate forgiveness rooted in the practice of self love!  And with this sense, this touching of the true essence of my self, I was able to begin to clean up the mess.  First through processing and investigating what happened.  Then by action. 

I can't tell you for sure that it was my 21 days of practicing this mantra when I wake: "I am happy to be alive" that created this radical shift for me (historically I can be really hard on myself in these messy moments), but I can tell you that it felt good.  That it felt like life.  And growth.  And, yes, truth.  And I can tell you that I am going to keep doing it.  Hello Day 22!